Retirement Tips — Chain of Consequences

The latest advertising campaign for Direct TV features what I call the “chain of consequences.” Here is just one of the spots in this clever campaign.

“When you have cable and can't find something good to watch, you get depressed. When you get depressed, you attend seminars. When you attend seminars, you feel like a winner. When you feel like a winner, you go to Vegas. When you go to Vegas, you lose everything. When you lose everything, you sell your hair to a wig shop. Don't sell your hair to a wig shop… Upgrade to Direct TV.”

Every time I see one of these ads, I think that there must be dozens of similarly idiotic chains of consequences in the lives of retirees. I have given this some thought and I’ve come up with several chains to share as warnings.

When you’re on a budget, you buy inexpensive wine. When you buy inexpensive wine, it has a metal screw-off top. When you open a metal screw-off top, you cut your thumb. When you cut your thumb, you go to the emergency room for stitches. When you go to the emergency room, they want you to sign a “do not resuscitate” order. When you sign a DNR, they put you in a cubicle with a chatty old lady who has lost her marbles. Don’t get stuck with a chatty old lady who has lost her marbles. Buy decent wine.

When you join AARP, they send you all sorts of travel offers. When you get all sorts of travel offers, you eventually go on a trip somewhere. When you go on a trip, someone has to take care of your cats. When someone takes care of your cats, they misbehave in ways you could never imagine. When your cats misbehave, you come home to a house you no longer recognize. Don’t come home to a house you don’t recognize. Don’t join AARP.

When you wear dollar-store reading glasses, your nose gets weird ridges on it. When your nose gets weird ridges, you buy expensive makeup to cover them. When you buy expensive makeup, the store puts you on their special mailing list. When the store puts you on their special mailing list, they send you samples of sexy new perfume. When you wear sexy new perfume, homeless men follow you down the street. Don’t have homeless men following you down the street. Buy prescription reading glasses.

When you retire, you have a lot of time to nap. When you spend a lot of time napping, the couch gets a hollow in the middle. When the couch gets a hollow in the middle, it becomes more difficult to get up off of it. When it gets too difficult for you to get off of the couch, you have to call the fire department to hoist you off. When the fire department has to hoist you, your neighbors talk about you. Don’t give your neighbors something to talk about. Don’t retire. Or else don’t take naps.

When you’re not getting enough exercise, you compensate by eating more fiber. When you eat more fiber, you spend a lot of time in the bathroom. When you spend a lot of time in the bathroom, you use a lot of toilet paper. When you use a lot of toilet paper, you eventually run out. When you run out of toilet paper, you’re forced to use the embroidered linen hand towels hanging from the antique medicine cabinet. Don’t use embroidered linen hand towels. Get lots of exercise every day.

When you downsize your house, you throw away old books. When you throw away old books, they often have something hidden in their pages. When books have something hidden in them, it’s usually something valuable, like your birth certificate. When you throw away your birth certificate, you can’t prove you're a citizen. When you can’t prove you’re a citizen, you can’t run for office. Come to think of it, go ahead and downsize your house.

Retirement Pleasures — Dancing with the Elders

ABC recently announced the contestants for Season 15 of Dancing with the Stars. It kicks off September 24 and will feature a cast of all-star dancers. That is to say, celebrities who have already been on DWTS and may or may not have won. (Bristol Palin, for example of the latter.) Likewise they may or may not be names that are familiar to you. (Melissa Rycroft, anyone?)

The first few seasons this show was on the air, I watched it faithfully. Now I dial around for alternative TV fare and, should I find nothing worthy, I go upstairs to dig out my mending basket.

I’ll tell you what would get my attention. If ABC put together a season called Dancing with the Elders, I’d be there. Supposedly, they’ve tried (and failed) to get Betty White. I’m not surprised. She’s a hot commodity now, and is actually a celebrity. Ditto on failing to get Suzanne Somers, though you’d think she would have been happy to show off her thighs-mastered.

Among the men who’ve turned down DWTS is Sylvester Stallone. Maybe his pecs are a tad too bouncy now, but he was probably saving his energy for The Expendables 2. (In theaters now.) Richard Branson also nixed the idea. Rumor has it they couldn’t find him a Virgin partner.

I could provide a laundry list of elder celebrities that ABC could approach, but I’ll leave that parlor game up to my readers. My time will be better spent explaining the modifications to the standard dances that will be required so that these older contestants will survive the season.

Let’s begin with a dance with which we are all familiar—or so we think—the Waltz. As it turns out, there are two standard versions of that dance: the English (or Slow Waltz) and the Viennese. The former moves to 28 - 30 bars per minute; the latter moves to 58 - 60. DWTE will feature the Ever-So-Slow Waltz, moving to 18 - 20 bars per minute, a much more heart-friendly rate, but graceful and elegant nonetheless.

The Quickstep will also be slowed—from 50 - 52 bars to 28 - 30. The requirements will be simplified as well. Normally, the Quickstep is energetic, with syncopated rhythms, as in slow-quick-quick, slow-quick-quick. Slow steps are taken on the heel of the foot, quick ones on the balls (of the feet, thank you). The new Watch-Your-Step version goes more like slow-oops-oops, slow-oops-again. All steps are taken flatfooted and if they are syncopated, it’s probably by accident.

As with the Waltz, there are two styles of Tango, in this case based on the type of embrace in this dance of love. The open embrace allows some space between the dancers, enabling long steps and complicated footwork. In the closed embrace, the dancers touch either chest-to-chest or thighs and hips, sometimes with the legs slightly bent (as in Tango Canyengue). DWTE will feature the Tango Arthritico, with a modified closed embrace: chest-to-chest (pacemaker to pacemaker), with legs completely bent.

Another modified favorite is based on the Cha-cha-cha (International Latin version, 30 - 32 bars per minute) and the Cha Cha (American Rhythm version, 28 - 30 bars). The DWTE one is called simply the Cha and in it, the couples take just one step per figure, not two or three. It looks quite like the Hokey Pokey, as the dancers put their right foot in, they put their right foot out, and… Well, you know the rest.

In a nod to Country/Western, DWTE will combine the Two Step, Polka and Swing. This high energy, boisterous dance starts with a hop and the pattern bounces clockwise around the floor. Unlike the three-step Polka, the Swinka-Two (inka dinka doo!) swings side-to-side in a two-step, likely confusing many contestants. Couples who stay upright throughout the spins and turns earn extra points. Those who get disoriented and go counter-clockwise lose points. Don’t expect any perfect tens until the semi-final.

Finally, DWTE will also include the Lambada. This sensual, sexy “forbidden dance” is rumored to lead to pregnancy. (No risk of that on DWTE.) The typical Lambada is danced with arched legs, swaying side-to-side, with lots of hip movement and head rolling. Though the new version minimizes the scope of movement, it’s a challenging dance for most elders, often resulting in severe lower back pain. Look for this Lumbago Lambada to separate the potatoes from the patatas in the Latin category.

So, there you have it. Dancing with the Elders will be an exciting line extension of the Dancing with the Stars franchise. Better polish up your dancing shoes. Their next phone call could be to you!

Retirement Tools — Tattoos for Retirees

A number of media outlets have done features on the tattoos spotted on Olympic athletes. As would be expected, the most common are the Olympic rings, followed by variations on flags and olive wreaths. There are also stylized renditions of the bearer’s event (pole vaulting, for example), key times (especially world records), and occasionally the Olympic motto (“Faster, Higher, Stronger”).

Also seen, but not related to the Olympics, are names of the athlete’s mom or girlfriend, butterflies, and here and there, a tiger or an eagle. You can also find motivational phrases and Biblical quotes. One unfortunate soul had a tat that was supposed to read “Olympic torch bearer;” sadly, the artist inked “Oylmpic.”

This array of designs set me to searching for equally interesting tats to offer retirees. I quickly realized that this would not be an easy task. The body parts and muscles displaying the art on the athletes are all toned and buffed. Even the body with Olympic misspelled provided a clearly legible canvas (perhaps to the dismay of the torch bearer).

For those of you thinking about a tat, but squeamish about body mutilation, you might consider a temporary or removable one. Some of these look quite realistic, but are easy to get off when you wake up sober the next morning. If you’re feeling brave and adventurous, and you’re still basking in the afterglow of the Olympics, read on.

Finding appropriate works of art for people our age provides unique challenges. First, they need to fit on an area that will not be prone to wrinkling. Second, the design must be one into which the artist can easily integrate liver spots without it looking like a mistake. Obviously, both of these needs vary with the individual. Before you select your design, stand naked in front of a full-length mirror and assess your body for suitable landing sites.

One popular theme for retirees’ tattoos is to have the grandchildren’s names lined up on an arm or leg. This can become a problem if your progeny are prolific. Be prepared to continue the list on another limb if you run out of room, and select your starting limb accordingly.

Several useful tattoos I found were emergency phone numbers (far more helpful than a world record), and a tat of your car (so you can match to it in a parking lot). In a similar vein (but hopefully not on a vein), you match the tattoo of a tiny icon of a pill (along with the dosage and the time of day you’re supposed to take it) to the actual pill. This is especially helpful if you take several types of meds and on different schedules.

Other ink that is clearly targeted to an older audience are walkers, canes and a scooter that looks like a generic rendering of a Hoveround. (A removable version includes the phrase “Born To Ride”.) I assumed that these were to remind the bearer to take the walker or cane and bring the keys to the scooter. Then I saw the version with numbers next to them. Turns out they were the wearer’s times in the 25 yard “dash” for each event.

I especially like the tattoo I found of a set of false teeth with the inscription “Bite me!” But my favorite hands down is the inscription that was clearly inspired by the Olympic motto. The variation for retirees reads: “Louder, Slower, Later.” I think that says it all.

Retirement Tools — Pills That Tattle

This week’s health news should have all of us sitting up and taking notice, especially if we’re not very good at sitting down and taking meds. Proteus Digital Health issued a press release that was covered by media outlets from network news to CNN Money to PC World. And with good reason.

Proteus announced FDA approval for an invention that combines technology, healthcare and perhaps even social media. It’s a device about the size of a grain of sand that contains an 'ingestible sensor.' That chip is imbedded into a pill; you swallow the pill and your stomach fluids activate the sensor. It then transmits data (including 'heart rate, body position and activity') to a patch stuck on your skin. The patch, in turn, transmits to an application you’ve downloaded to a mobile device.

The first wave of product in the US will have the sensors embedded into placebo pills that must be taken at the same time as the patient’s meds. Eventually, the chips will be put into actual pills. You don’t need batteries and you won’t have antennae sticking out of your head, but you must replace the stick-on transmission patches every seven days.

It’s expected that this invention will be especially useful for seniors who are prone to forget to take their meds. Exciting as this news is, I see some problems with the design. I’m judging based on my own increasingly limited attention span.

First, consider the initial test phase with the separate placebo. Seniors who have trouble remembering to take their actual medication may take the meds and forget the placebo. Or worse, take the placebo and forget the meds. Under the first scenario, the mobile app will have caretakers calling to prompt pill-taking that will result in overdose. Under the second, folks will be celebrating proper medication when all the addle-brained patient took was a sugar pill with a fancy chip in it.

Then there’s that patch. Do they really think someone who has trouble remembering to take his pills will remember to stick on a patch? Or to replace it every seven days? Good luck with that. I’m at the point where I’m thrilled to remember to change my underwear every day. (OK. Not really.)

Next, there’s that mobile app that reads the data sent to the patch. Hello! Mobile app? What percentage of seniors have a mobile device onto which they've downloaded even one app? I have a cell phone, but I’ve never used it to take a picture and I don’t text. (Both too expensive under my frugal, emergencies-only plan.) Needless to say, I have no apps and wouldn’t know how to get one, much less how to use it. And I’m no Luddite.

Finally, for those on multiple meds, I envision them taking placebo A with pill B and vice versa. (Remember, each chip is programmed to match a particular medication and schedule.) Have fun sorting that out.

Now that I’ve raised all these red flags, I’m sure Proteus will come up with additional technology to address these problems. I’ll therefore assume that this device becomes a huge success and moves on to expanded applications. For instance…

In collaboration with my GP, my husband will embed these microchips into the cookie portion of the ice cream sandwiches on which I snack. If I eat too many of them, or too close together, my stomach will tattle on me. Proteus will have devised a way to hide the transmission patches in those cute magnets we all have stuck on the outside of the fridge. The icemaker will have a hidden mobile device with the necessary app to send out a binge alert.

But wait. It gets worse. Remember that social media part I mentioned up front? The intention was for the pill taker to have Internet access to secure applications that could report their personal medical data. They could also link to information on health topics related to their specific meds.

My nightmare scenario has social media running amok. My ice cream ingestion is instantly posted to my Facebook wall. 'Elaine just ate two ice cream sandwiches in the space of a half hour, and she was lying down the entire time!' (And they don’t even mention they were the mini-sandwiches.) I’m forced to wear the shame of my lack of self-control like a scarlet letter A. Oh, the ignominy!

In the realm of 'Thank the Lord for small favors,' at least they can’t put those microchips into wine. So, I won’t have to worry about anyone keeping track of how many glasses of my favorite vino I have and in what timespan. On that note… I raise my glass. Salute!