Retirement Issues — Save the (Insert Animal Name Here)

Now that I’m retired, I’m getting more mailings from companies suggesting ways to invest my funds, and from organizations that want to save every animal that was in Noah’s ark. I find this ironic, since I have less discretionary income in retirement, not more. I doubt that I’m unusual, but just in case you have a stash you need to get rid of, read on.

Thanks to my attorney, I’ve learned that the GST (generation skipping transfer) tax exemption amount will decrease at the end of this year from the $5 million Congress approved in 2010. (To what, I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s a lot less.) We need to make those multi-million-dollar gifts to our grandchildren before December. Unfortunately, I don’t have any grandchildren on whom to bestow my millions. I’ll have to settle for making gifts to charities that will put my hard earned money to good use.

This is no problem, because a high percentage of my mail comes from animal charities. People who know me well are aware that I have a soft spot for just about anything that travels on four legs and is covered in fur (or lots of hair). I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that word has gotten around that I’m an easy touch. But I think many 501c3’s exist solely for the purpose of sending me heart-wrenching stories of animals that have been tortured, abandoned or otherwise mistreated.

I continue to be amazed at the names of some of these organizations and what my donations could accomplish through them. I’ve put together a test to see how much you know about all of this. Answers are at the end of the post. If you get 3 or more correct, you’ve probably written a few checks to one of these groups yourself.

1. Which of the following is/are not legitimate 501c3 charities?

a. Heifer International

b. Best Friends Animal Society

c. Peaceable Kingdom Elephant Preserve

d. Peaceful Valley Donkey Rescue

e. Flights of Fancy Parrot Sanctuary

2. Which “gift will do” statement(s) is/are correct?

a. $20 will keep an ASPCA disaster response trailer stocked with animal rescue equipment.

b. $100 will make you a foster parent for an orangutan (schooling not included).

c. $250 will provide an individual kennel for a cat awaiting adoption.

d. $850 will purchase a camel (that’s $425 per hump…).

e. $5,000 will buy an entire ark (15 pairs of animals).

3. You can “adopt” which of the following animals?

a. A duck name Quackers

b. A pig named Penelope

c. A donkey named Floyd

d. A pink elephant named Floyd

e. An elephant named Pink Floyd

4. Which of the following is not on the National Wildlife Federation adoption list of protected species?

a. Barking Tree Frog

b. Horned Lizard

c. Horny Lounge Lizard

d. Humpback Whale

e. Humping Lounge Lizard

f. Vitriolic political extremist

5. If a female rabbit can have as many as 12 baby bunnies in each litter, and she can reproduce every 30 days during mating season (February thru October), what is the maximum number of bunnies a warren of four female rabbits can have in one year?

a. 108

b. 360

c. 432

d. Other ________

6. Rabbit courtship and mating are very brief, lasting only 30 to 40 seconds. (Hence the expression: “Quick like a bunny.”) Which member of the animal kingdom can mate in even less than 30 seconds?

Answers:

1. c and e are bogus charities.

2. All are correct.

3. You can adopt a, b or c.

4. c, e and f are not protected; they’re prolific.

5. Trick question: zero; there was no male rabbit…

6. Oh, come on. We all know the answer to that.

Retirement Issues — Heat Wave Sleep Depraved

Like many other parts of the country, Rhode Island experienced an official heat wave this week. The older I get, the less I can tolerate the heat. Now that I’m retired, I’m at home most days, and we have no AC in our 100+ year-old house. Multiple box fans create cross breezes, but they give only slight relief.

The basement, where I have my office and computers, is relatively cool, but the upper floors are oppressive. That makes sleeping a challenge. Here’s what happened Wednesday night, mid heat wave.

Our king size bed was down to sheets only. Three box fans circulated the air around our bedroom and two open windows added some cross ventilation. My husband, Jagdish, and I were sprawled in our respective spaces, careful not to press sticky limbs one against another.

Around 5 am, I got up to use the bathroom (all that water I drank to keep hydrated…) When I came back, Jagdish was spread swastika-style across the middle of the bed. Luke (my male cat) had settled into the sphinx position on what was left of the spot I had vacated. Front paws bent at the elbows and parallel in front of him, body elongated but on his belly, tail stretched full length behind him.

For a minute or so, I weighed different strategies for reclaiming my space. I finally opted for picking up Luke and repositioning him. That left me to deal with Jagdish’s swastika foot. I gently pushed it aside with my own foot. In short order, back it came, so back I pushed it, and eventually, back it came again. Each time, his scratchy toenails woke me up.

I considered getting a nail clipper, putting on my glasses and giving him a pedicure while he slept. The chances of my getting back to sleep after that would have been slim to none.

Another option was to find one of those drawstring fabric bags that come with dress shoes and tie it over his foot. But I was clueless where those landed once the house was staged for market. A plastic grocery bag would have been easier to find, but in this heat, I’d have to be sadistic to do that to him—ragged toenails not withstanding.

I finally decided to angle myself toward my edge of the bed until I was out of spousal foot range. That left my own feet dangling in midair. Anyone who has ever owned a cat will know that toes dangling over the edge of a bed are like catnip to felines. As it turned out, Luke made a few half-hearted swipes and decided it was just too hot. Soon after, I was back asleep.

By Thursday night (still mid heat wave) I had figured out a better strategy. As soon as Jagdish’s foot wandered into my space I was ready for him. I took an old necktie and secured his ankle to the iron bed frame. I used a slip knot, so he could easily free himself if he needed to head to the bathroom. For any of you wondering if he’d think I had something hinky in mind, trust me. At 90 plus degrees and almost as humid as Delhi just before monsoon season, I wasn’t worried about that.

This heat wave has prompted me to revise the list of requirements for our condo in Vermont when we’re finally ready to buy one. Must-haves include: first floor master, basement suitable for offices (preferably walk out), and now—central air conditioning. Some things are just beyond compromise.

Retirement Hiatus — Father’s Day Post

I hope my regular readers will afford me an indulgence today. This week’s post has been hijacked by Lily Magnolia. She wanted to send her father a special Father’s Day message through her mother’s blog. She’s always been Daddy’s girl…

Dear Daddy,

F is for my Fur that irritates your nose;

A is for the Allergies that you’ve learned to ignore.

T is for my Tail, that flicks across your plate;

H is how Happily I meet you at the door.

E is for my Ears that you gently scratch behind;

R means that I let you Rub my furry little tummy.

S is your Slippers that take me for morning rides;

D means you’re my Daddy, and I love you more than Mommy.

A is for Always—that’s how long I’ll be your special girl;

Y means You’re the best Daddy in the whole, wide world.

Love, Lily Magnolia

Don’t feel bad for me. I’ve got Luke. He doesn’t write poems, but he purrs up a storm and he really loves his mother.

Retirement Opportunities — Jobs for Retirees

With the economy still showing no signs of sustainable improvement—at least from the perspective of those on fixed incomes—more and more retirees are looking for jobs. I’ve collected some suggestions from my usual sources (and some not so usual ones). The good news is that, for some of these, you can work part time and work from home.

The bad news is that if you’d planned on that retiree standby, Walmart greeter, it’s been eliminated at many supercenters. Likewise, if you’d hoped to help your local high school grade essays, you can cross that off your list. There’s now computer software capable of doing this faster than we humans can. A recent study shows that these “robo-graders” are as accurate as we are, too.

Take heart. Here are some jobs that computers can’t do—at least not yet.

1.     Inventory Clerk

The need is mounting for recording the tsunami debris washing up on America’s Pacific coast. Some items found thus far: a huge piece of a dock, fishing boats, volley balls and (be still my heart) a Harley. It’s a plus if you can read Japanese, since many items have writing on them. Important: you won’t be required to inventory radioactive tuna, and volunteers will remove the debris, not you.

2.     Reporter on Obama and Romney Sightings

There’s a catch to this job. We’re not talking about in-person appearances of the Presidential candidates. This is akin to Jesus sightings wherein His face is seen on potato chips, slices of toast, and water stains on cement walls. Candidates for this position should be comfortable using Facebook, YouTube and EBay to find weird stuff. Bonus paid if you find something showing one of the candidates with Jesus.

3.     Property Valuator

A recent Time blurb valued Barbie’s Malibu Dream House at $18,000, were the 21 sq. ft. property to actually exist in Malibu Beach. Barbie lovers worldwide are now clamoring to know the value of all her belongings, from her Cadillac hybrid Escalade to her Jammin’ Jeep to her water park. Good luck putting a price on Ken’s head.

4.     Rat Catcher

Hameln, the German town that made the Pied Piper famous, has again been forced to hire an official rat catcher. The pesky critters have been enjoying a population explosion. A number of smaller American cities are following Gunter Loschner’s performance closely. Take a look around the dumpster in back of your local greasy spoon and you’ll know why. If Gunter is successful, expect a burst of postings for rat catchers in the U.S. If this tickles your fancy, pipe up!

5.     Text Message Editor

With 20 years of messaging behind us, texting has become more popular than email. It’s killing family budgets in households with teenagers. It’s also a major source of teen driving accidents. This is creating demand for text message editors to reduce the time spent texting. If you can say things in 140 characters, this job could be yours. It’s clearly not an option for me.

6.     Golf Ball Retriever

As Baby Boomers explode into retirement, they have more time for playing golf, but their drives are increasingly errant. Since golf balls are expensive, many clubs have openings for golf ball retrievers. You get an hourly wage, and the clubs sell your balls to other retirees at a discount. You’ll need waders, snorkeling equipment and a waterproof tote for this job.

7.     Social Deviants Police Aides (SDPAs)

Many municipalities are putting into effect ordinances that prohibit a variety of behaviors. The offenses are more social than criminal. As a result, there’s a need for civilians to aid police in identifying antisocial behavior that violates the new codes. Here’s a few locations that will be hiring SDPAs and what you’ll be looking for.

·       Hi-Fructose Over-Dosers (drinking sugary beverages larger than 16 oz.)—apply in New York City; bring a 16 oz. travel mug so you can check sizes.

·       Plastic Bag Violators (now banned in supermarkets)—apply in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, Toronto and no doubt other cities in the near future.

·       Dragging and Sagging Pants (pants hanging so low that teens’ undies are on display)—apply in Chicago; it’s unclear whether plumber’s butt is also covered by this law.

·       Marijuana Gardeners (even where medical Mary Jane is legal, you can’t grow your own)—apply in Pasco, WA. Warning: you may have to test the stuff to be sure it’s really marijuana before you can make the collar.

As you can see, there are lots of great jobs out there for retirees. As usual, I’m here to serve.

Retirement Reflections — Why I Love College Reunions

Last weekend I celebrated my 45^th college reunion with more than 100 classmates and their spouses/partners. I’m sharing here some of the reasons why I love going to these reunions. My alma mater is unusual in that alumni march in the graduation procession along with the administration, faculty, graduating seniors and advanced degree candidates. The atmosphere is electric and it is foreshadowed by an incredible camaraderie all weekend long.

I love these reunions not just because I get to catch up with friends from my time on campus, but also because I get to connect with classmates I knew only casually during my undergraduate years. Over time, I’ve become as close with many of the new friends that I see again every five years as I am with the ones I made over 45 years ago. Sadly, at this reunion we learned more about some of our classmates’ lives posthumously. No doubt this will become even more of a theme at future reunions.

Here are some of the reasons I enjoyed being part of my reunion last weekend.

One of my classmates who has chosen not to retire yet gave these reasons (paraphrased somewhat.) I love my work. I’m at the top of my game and I’m well respected. I’m known as the go-to guy in my field. How inspiring to hear that from someone in his mid-sixties. A tip of my pen, “And here’s to you, Mr. Robinson, wo wo wo. Coo coo ca-choo, Mr. Robinson!”

I was a scholarship student, so the university’s Annual Fund has a special place in my heart. I’m a co-chair of our Reunion Gift Committee. At Friday’s dinner, I reported on the status of our fundraising and made a pitch for support from those who were still on the sidelines. We needed just 58 more donors to reach our participation goal, and about $16,000 to reach a five-year comprehensive giving total of five million dollars.

One of my fellow co-chairs came forward with this offer: for each new donor who made a gift during reunion, she’ll add an extra ten dollars to the gift she’s already made. Then one of the men in our class made an even greater challenge. He’ll increase his own gift and match new and increased contributions made during reunion in order to get our class to five million dollars. What generosity of spirit by both of them! The dust hasn’t settled, but there’s money coming in because of them.

Another classmate’s second husband was considerably older than she (like mine is). She’s been widowed for some time. She heard me say that my husband has many stents in his arteries. She quietly took me aside and counseled me to make sure my husband gets annual angiograms, even if he has the medicated stents. Her husband’s stents calcified and they didn’t realize it and she lost him. What an act of kindness to want to spare me her same fate of early widowhood!

And speaking of clogged arteries, another classmate became a vascular surgeon after she graduated from medical school. She was on a panel about women breaking barriers in the workplace. She commented that a woman can be strong in her profession yet still show a softer side. And she was wearing red shoes! A woman after my own heart. (No pun intended…)

Another rewarding part of reunions is meeting the spouses of my male classmates. These women embrace our alma mater as though it were their own. The ones whose husbands are active in the class either in fundraising or on the event side are right beside them helping to make our class and our university successful. Our incoming class president is an example of this. At the risk of hitting some raw nerves, I joked that it reminds me of when Bill Clinton became President and quipped that with Hillary, the country was getting a twofer.

There are times when I think it would be great to celebrate reunions every year. As each reunion passes, after a weekend this intense, I’m increasingly exhausted. But with each reunion, there are also more and more familiar faces that did not live the five years from the previous one. All the more reason to savor them as we celebrate.

If you’re wondering why this post is a day early, it’s because we’re heading to Vermont for the weekend. My micro-preemie grandniece (now age 8) has a ballet recital. This may be the only thing that could top reunion weekend for pure pleasure!