Retirement Issues — Signs You Need A Fitness Regimen

You may recall from an early January 2011 post that I’m not one for resolutions, preferring instead to share some New Years confessions. Specifically, I wrote: “If people my age haven’t managed to eat less, exercise more, quit drinking or stop swearing by now, New Years resolutions aren’t going to make it happen.”

While I still feel that opinion is very likely accurate, I’ve noticed some signs that it may be time for me to consider the need for a fitness regimen. In the six months since I finished getting the house ready to put on the market, I’ve become increasingly lazy. This in turn has led to some noticeable physical deterioration.

In short, dear readers, I’ve reached the point where I can no longer ignore the fact that age is catching up with me. I’ve concluded that if I don’t take some action and take it soon, age will not just catch up with me; it will overtake me. Ones former self in the rear view mirror is not like Lubbock, Texas; that is to say, not happiness. (For those who didn’t follow country music in 1980, Google Mac Davis.)

In case you think I’m exaggerating my condition, I present ten personally experienced signs that it’s time for a fitness regimen.

10. You buy a seven-day feeder for the cats’ dry food and you’re not planning a trip anywhere.

9. Your mid-section is almost as big around as your chest is.

8. Even your tongue has become fat; you chew on the sides when you grind your teeth in your sleep.

7. You get so out of breath when you lace up your shoes that you’re seriously considering the ones with Velcro straps. (Bite thy tongue! Oh no, wait. I’m already biting my tongue…)

6. You now empty your plate and everyone else’s. And the serving bowls. In all fairness, it’s really your mother’s fault. And your stager’s. Your mom always lectured: “Don’t waste food. Think about the poor starving children in China.” But you threw out most of your plastic containers for leftovers when you cleared out the kitchen to stage your house.

5. You buy a talking scale so you don’t have to bend over to read the numbers. Your eyes can’t see details five feet away without your driving glasses, and you’re certainly not walking out to the car to get them. Besides, your midsection blocks the view of that little window with its teensy numbers anyway.

4. Your muffin top has become more like a loaf of bread.

3. You ask your heating contractor if he can install a remote control on the thermostat.

2. The seat on the couch in the TV room is beginning to have indentations in the shape of your bottom. (Remember the mother’s bed in Psycho? Creepy!)

And the number one sign that you really do need a fitness regimen:

1. You’re too lazy to come up with the tenth sign that you need one.

Happy New Year everyone!

Retirement Christmas — The Nativity as Told by Elaine’s Trees

In celebration of Christmas, herewith The Nativity, as told by Elaine’s Christmas trees. There are three this year: two large live ones, and the small artificial one that’s especially for the cats.

Whimsical animals, handmade craft items  –  Cats’ tree  –  Gold, silver, crystal and china

Most of you think it was an angel of the Lord that appeared to Mary with the news that she would be the mother of the Son of God. Actually, it was her fairy godmother who told her she was preggers.

Angel of God    —    Fairy godmother

It was Mary’s bad luck that she and Joseph had to make a long trip around the time she was due. Something about doing a census so the voting districts could be better aligned to the population. So they loaded her onto a zebra and set off for Bethlehem.

Not surprisingly, there was no room at the inn when they showed up without a reservation, what with all those alumni coming back. Fortunately, they found shelter in a manger, where Mary gave birth to Baby Jesus.

The birth was announced by a choir of angels and by angels with herald trumpets,

and by other celestial creatures with regular trumpets.

Bells rang out throughout the land.

The birth was so miraculous that it actually snowed in Bethlehem, but they couldn’t find anyone to shovel on Christmas Day.

Shepherds came to pay their respects, bringing their sheep along with them

They tended their flocks by night, but by day, they let the sheep wander all around Bethlehem. This was really tough on people wearing sandals.

The locals were a forgiving lot, though, so they honored the Newborn by performing a ballet for His family. It may have been the Nutcracker, or perhaps the Firebird, or even Swan Lake. The Bible is unclear on the details.

Likewise to honor Him came three wise men from the East,

who followed a bright star in the sky. There were several bright stars, so it took them awhile to find the right manger. Also, they were all men, so they didn’t bother to get directions.

They came by camel, ostrich and giraffe.

Yes, giraffe.

Maybe not by ostrich. It could have been lions.

Or maybe elephants. The Bible isn’t really clear on this, either.

More likely it was by zebra, like Mary.

The wise men brought gifts of gold, kesari incense (now the most popular brand sold at Spectrum India), and myrrh.  The last of these was often misspelled as ‘mirth,’ which is how we came to think of Christmas as an especially jolly time.

Less known are other presents that the various visitors brought with them.

Then God told Joseph that Herod was going to come looking for Baby Jesus, so the Holy Family got back on their zebra and left town.

(Note that the zebra is now headed in the opposite direction…)

And that, my friends, is the true story of the Nativity, as told by my Christmas trees.

To those of you who are thinking: “Yeah, right. When pigs fly.” I say:

From your mouth to God’s ear.

Merry Christmas, one and all! And Happy Hanukkah to many!

Retirement Tips — Holiday Gifts for Retirees

Very few retirees are looking to add to their encumbrances. Chances are, they went through a downsizing as part of their retirement process. This can make it difficult to select holiday gifts for them. Here are some helpful guidelines.

If it needs to be laundered, dry cleaned, dusted or vacuumed, forget it. That means no clothing and no knick knacks. In the interest of avoiding inventory buildup, it also means no accessories and no appliances.

I know what you’re thinking: a man can always use another tie/pair of warm gloves/wool muffler. Not true. Nor is it true that a woman can always use another silk scarf/holiday scatter pin/pair of trouser socks.

There are some dirty little secrets that often come to light only when people start rooting around in the backs of closets and bottoms of drawers. (In other words, when they downsize.) Men tend to wear the same three ties over and over. No matter how fabulous the pattern is on that Gianni Versace cravat you found on super sale, it’s likely to get spun to the back of the tie rack within a year of gifting.

Remember the soft-as-butter leather gloves with oh-so-warm rabbit fur lining? They’re now under three spare sets of thermal underwear in a bottom dresser drawer. Those wool mufflers you’ve gifted ever third year or so? Food for the moths that have discovered the shopping bag in the back of the used-to-be-cedar closet. You know the bag I mean: the one with scarves, mittens, gloves (many in half pairs) and maybe an occasional earmuff or polar fleece headband.

How about that church bazaar last summer where you saw the snowman pin exactly like the one you gave your funky Aunt Tilly a few years back? Guess what: it was the one you gave Aunt Tilly. Turns out she’s not as funky as she was in her thirties. Ditto for the Gucci-wannabe and almost-Liberty-of-London scarves you gave Aunt Elvira. You’re right that she’s obsessively label-conscious, but she can also sniff out a fake faster than you can say “knock-off.”

In selecting gifts for retirees, think “consumables.” If you can eat it or drink it, you have a winner. Likewise if you can spray it or slather it. (We’re talking personal care products now, not sex aids or stuff you use to detail your car.)

When it comes to food, unless you’re intimately familiar with the recipient’s tastes, it’s best to avoid exotic items like pickled eggs and blowfish caviar. As for alcohol, you can also skip the caipirinha; everyone knows you’ve never been to Brazil.

If you can deliver it yourself, ice cream is a great gift for retirees. You’ll want to select an appropriate flavor, of course. To that end, refer to the RetirementSparks post of July 16, 2011. We especially recommend Bananayama, Oatmeal Delight or Prune Whip.

If you want to give something unusual in the alcohol realm, put together the fixings for a Mojito and pair it with one of Papa Hemingway’s books. (Mojitos were supposedly his fave.) Another good choice would be grenadine; pomegranates are the new healthy fruit. Be sure to include the recipe for a Tequila Sunrise and put in a copy of the Eagles Desperado CD—the song is on it.

As for products that get applied to the body, soothing creams and lotions are good choices. Stay away from Ben Gay, Gold Bond and anything that has ever been featured in the circular for a national drug store chain. Instead, buy something that one of your neighborhood artisans cooks up at home in her garage or bathtub. Remember: you help the economy when you buy local.

Think broadly about how we consume things. Your shopping list can include books, CDs and DVDs. Pair these creatively with other items. As mentioned above, combine them with food or drink around an appropriate theme.

Subscriptions are also something consumable, but make them unexpected. Instead of Aging Well, give Travel & Leisure. Never mind if they can’t afford to take any trips; in fact, all the better. If there’s one thing retirees are good at, it’s vicarious living.

Movie tickets are another smart idea, but don’t go for those packages that include popcorn and a large drink. Retirees and soda pop make a bad combination in a theatre, especially if the movie is longer than one hour.

This list should give you plenty of great ideas for holiday gifts for retirees. If you’re a last minute shopper, it could be a lifesaver. You can thank me after the New Year. Just don’t give me anything I’ll have to dust.

Retirement Carols — The Twelve Days of Retirement

Please do not skip ahead to day twelve. That would be cheating.

On the FIRST day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Membership in AARP.

On the SECOND day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

On the THIRD day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Three-point-0 magnifiers,

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

On the FOURTH day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Four bristly chin hairs,

Three-point-0 magnifiers,    (good to have a spare)

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

[Getting out of breath…]

On the FIFTH day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Five robo calls—ring, ring,    (Hold that last note, now!)

Four bristly chin hairs,

Three-point-0 magnifiers,

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

On the SIXTH day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Six bottles of Barolo,

Five robo calls—ring, ring,

Yet another chin hair,           (they’re like the loaves and the fishes)

Three-point-0 magnifiers,

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

On the SEVENTH day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Seven alarm-free mornings,

Six more bottles of Barolo,   (replacing the ones I already drank)

Five robo calls—ring, ring,

Four bristly chin hairs,

Three-point-0 magnifiers,    (replacing the ones I can’t find)

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

On the EIGHTH day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Eight Velcro shoe straps,      (I swore I’d never wear those)

Seven alarm-free mornings,

Six bottles of Barolo,

Five robo calls—ring, ring,

Four bristly chin hairs,

Three-point-0 magnifiers,

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

[Now gasping for air…]

On the NINTH day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Nine hours a-sleeping,

Eight Velcro shoe straps,

Seven alarm-free mornings,

Six bottles of Barolo,

Five robo calls—ring, ring,    (enough already!)

Four bristly chin hairs,

Three-point-0 magnifiers,

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

On the TENTH day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Ten milligrams of Lipitor,

Nine hours a-sleeping,

Eight Velcro shoe straps,     

Seven alarm-free mornings,

Six bottles of Barolo,             (thank heaven for day six!)

Five robo calls—ring, ring,

Four more bristly chin hairs,

Three-point-0 magnifiers,

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

[Does anyone have an inhaler?]

On the ELEVENTH day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Eleven committee meetings,            (I need to learn to say ‘no’)

Ten milligrams of Lipitor,

Nine hours a-sleeping,

Eight Velcro shoe straps,

Seven alarm-free mornings,

Six bottles of Barolo,

Five robo calls—ring, ring,   

Four bristly chin hairs,

Three-point-0 magnifiers,

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

On the TWELFTH day of retirement, my new life gave to me:

Twelve more friends on Facebook, (and some were from high school!)

Eleven committee meetings,

Ten milligrams of Lipitor,

Nine hours a-sleeping,

Eight Velcro shoe straps,

Seven alarm-free mornings,

Six bottles of Barolo,

Five robo calls—ring, ring,

Four bristly chin hairs,

Three-point-0 magnifiers,

Two Medicare cards

And membership in AARP.

(Siren sound in background as EMT’s arrive with oxygen…)

Copyright 2011 Business Theatre Unlimited

Retirement Tips — Feng Shui for Retirees

Feng shui holds that our environment is filled with Chi, or energy. At its core, feng shui is about promoting balance to maximize positive energy. If there’s one thing that retirees can use help with, it’s balance. I’ve plumbed the Internet for feng shui guidance tailored to our needs, particularly getting rid of clutter and getting restful sleep. I see several of you nodding: “Sign me up now.”

Feng shui aside, we know it’s good to get rid of clutter. Having stuff heaped all over can be dangerous. I have enough trouble navigating from point A to point B without having to pick my way around objects with sharp protrusions. Let’s face it, when we trip over something, it’s rarely a soft pile of laundry. Feng shui adds the negative that clutter prevents the flow of positive energy.

Unfortunately, the feng shui “how-to” sites don’t offer much practical advice on how to get rid of clutter. Fortunately, the staging process for listing our house last summer provided some guidelines. There are two aspects to de-cluttering. The first is deciding which things are keepers and which are not. The second is figuring out what to do with the keepers. (We know we should donate or toss the rejects.)

One feng shui site recommends that you ask yourself if you really love or need the item. If yes, it’s a keeper. You should also assess if it’s a match with your current life vision or if it harks from times you remember fondly. Those are each signs of keepers, too. Unfortunately, this quasi-helpful site then advises you simply to “find a proper place to store” the keepers. Not to worry. I can help with that.

Buy some large, plastic storage bins with snap-on covers. Get at least a dozen, as you’ll be labeling them with the alphabet and should be able to double up on many of the letters. Take all your keeper items and assign them a label, and put each one in the bin with that letter. Stack the boxes in your basement, attic, garage or spare room. You have now disposed of all that nasty clutter and your Chi should be flowing beautifully.

Feng shui is also concerned with how the five elements—wood, fire, earth, metal and water—influence our lives. The element associated with restfulness is earth. Earth shapes are either square or low rectangles.  In our search for more restful sleep, feng shui would have us replace a bed with a high headboard with a futon. If my husband and I did that, we’d take a half hour just to climb out of bed each morning. Besides, in winter, we drape an old comforter over that high headboard to reduce drafts.

Since the water element can help rejuvenate and renew Chi, that could be an option for restful bedroom décor. Don’t install a fountain in the corner, though. A background sound of running water is not a good idea for retirees. Still water is supposed to be rejuvenating, but a waterbed could be worse than a futon for aging knees. Hanging a crystal in the window is a safer way to recharge retirement Chi.

Some other feng shui bedroom advice seems useful. Place your bed where it has a clear view of the door to promote a sense of security for restful sleep. If you have a TV or exercise equipment in the bedroom, hide it by draping something over it at night to “lower the sense of activity.” I doubt I’ll be tempted to start riding at 3 am, but my husband usually drapes his clothes on the Health Rider anyway.

Finally, let’s talk about a good balance of yin (feminine) and yang (masculine) energy. Supposedly, seniors are prone to being overly yin, reflected in darker homes. You can yang it up by using lighter curtains (draperies slow down Chi) and opening up space. Replace yin furniture—cushiony and overstuffed—with yang—sleek and angular. (Sounds like a metaphor for me and my husband…) I’d rather trip over yin than yang, but maybe you’re not as clumsy as I am.

Yin colors are black, white and pastels, while yang are bright, (making my stager totally yin). To balance the two, you can alternate rooms—one yin-like, one yang-y. If that feels schizophrenic, you can have a predominantly yin color scheme, with yang accents (or vice versa). I’d go with the yang accents so I could hide them from my stager if he came to check up on me.

I realize this is a lot to digest in one sitting, but I’m confident you’re up to it. Especially if you fortify yourself with a nice glass of wine before you tackle this project. Just be sure you don’t spill it on your cushy, white, yin-perfect couch.